Deadspin columnist: St. Louis-style pizza is a ‘war crime’

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(Editor’s note: The opinions expressed herein are those of the author.)

MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO. (KTVI) – If there are two things St. Louisans love, it’s the St. Louis Cardinals and St. Louis-style pizza. If there are two things Deadspin columnist Drew Magary hates, it’s the two things St. Louis loves.

In a column poking fun at the writing style of USA Today sports columnist, Bob Nightengale, Magary took a swipe at St. Louis-style pizza. How dare you, Drew Magary! You think you’re so smart because you’ve written for GQ, ESPN, NBC, Yahoo!, Comedy Central, and several other notable publications. But I am a husky male with plenty of pizza-eating experience and a sometimes irregular heartbeat, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s good pizza.

St. Louis-style pizza is not a “war crime” and is, in fact, delicious. Those who say otherwise are entitled to their opinion. But that person’s opinion, like their taste in pizza, is incorrect. If you look at the other styles of pizza, you’ll see that St. Louis-style comes out on top.

New York Style

If a pizza is described as “barely a pizza” or “like giant, slimy triangle saltines,” then you would be describing New York style. Served only in elongated, stale pieces of cardboard, this pizza is light on the tomato sauce, light on taste, and light on edibility. One of the first steps of making a New York style pizza is to dump out a garbage can. That is where all but one of your ingredients is coming from. The only other ingredient is grease – lots of it. If you can’t wring a cup’s worth of grease from your slice, then it’s not New York pizza.

There is a reason New York style is served by the slice. No one wants to eat the whole thing.

Frozen

Are you short on time, money, and taste buds? Then frozen pizza is the thing for you!

But what kind you should get? Doesn’t matter. Most of the frozen pizza is really thick bread with tomato paste and wet pepperoni on top. But when you’re buying frozen pizza, you have already accepted the fact that you really don’t care anymore. What kind of toppings do you want? Does it matter? You’re buying frozen pizza in sweatpants and a “That’s So Raven” t-shirt.

However, you should never buy fundraising pizza. Fundraising pizza is the real war crime here: it’s a terrible product that parents guilt trip their co-workers into buying so their kid can get a neon light-up stick for selling 100 pizzas. But at least fundraising pizza has a wide variety of toppings, like hamburger and…

“Tim, would you like pizzas from my son’s baseball team so they can get new uniforms this year?”

No, nameless co-worker, I would not like to pay $15 for a small, rubbish pizza from your son’s terrible baseball team.

Chicago Deep Dish

Imagine a cake made out of lasagna and ta-da! You have Chicago deep dish pizza.

Like former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, Chicago deep dish pizza is full of slop and crooked politics. Sure, it sounds like a food-lover’s dream: a cake made of pizza. How fun! But after one slice, you have to take numerous pauses to catch your breathe from all that sitting and eating. After two slices, you begin doubting every life decision you have made up to the point where you decided to eat that second slice (Why did you wear that puka bead necklace all through high school? Why are you 30 and still wearing Crocs?).

Delivery

Delivery pizza is like frozen pizza except those who order it are a lot lazier, myself included. Delivery is the official pizza of people who just bought groceries and want to celebrate. It’s also the official pizza of college students, kids whose mom is going out for ladies night, and guys who don’t have dinnerware. Who needs a plate and a table when you have a pizza box that you can balance on your stomach?

Now delivery pizza is trying to get fancy and compete with good pizza places, and by compete, I mean try to punch you in the mouth with different flavors and heartburn. One delivery chain is lining their crust with bacon, which they hope distracts you from the fact that inside that bacon layer is bad pizza. Other chains are trying to find ways to make their crust less disgusting.

Should we change our crust recipe and make it a little thinner with better seasoning?

Nonsense! We’ll make our crust out of pretzel!

St. Louis Style

Clearly the best pizza to ever exist.

Jon Hamm, local dashing actor, loves St. Louis style pizza. Do you think a guy with that much fame and handsomeness would eat bad pizza? Of course not! St. Louis style pizza has everything pizza lovers want and nothing they hate.

It has provel cheese (three cheeses in one!), fresh and plentiful toppings, light, crispy crunch and none of that thick crust detritus. I hate eating non-St. Louis style pizza because once I get to the edge of the pizza, I feel insulted. You really expect me to eat all that bread? I’m not a pigeon, pizza. I don’t want to eat all that bread.

St. Louis pizza is also cut into squares because St. Louis hate triangles. When Eero Saarinen drew up the original plans for the St. Louis Arch, it was a triangular shape. But he later changed it when a St. Louis focus group began booing his renderings. They even followed him out to his car, booing him every step of the way.

By Tim Godfrey